Letting Go

The last 24 hours have been some of the most painful of my life. I had to say “good bye” to my dog, Oliver.

A few years ago, Oliver started dragging his back legs when he walked… and then losing control of his bowels. The vet diagnosed him with a degenerative spinal cord disease. He was on monthly shots and medication but nothing seemed to make much of a difference. Over the last couple of years it progressed, as the vet said it would. He was in diapers 24/7. He couldn’t snuggle up on the couch because he had no control over when he pooped… and about a week or two ago he could barely stand on his own. He would bark in the middle of the night for someone to come pick up up. Occasionally I’d come home and he’d be laying in his bed barking because he couldn’t stand up on his own… And as much as I want him here with me so bad right now, I know that what he had wasn’t much of a life… and I am sure at times he was in pain.

So, I made that difficult decision that I thought I would never make… And now I am adjusting to life without him. I have to admit, I thought that since his health had declined so much over the last two years, that it would somehow be easier when he did go, but it’s not. It hurts so bad.

I’m not sure how the idea got implanted in my head, but when I was living alone in Toronto I decided I must have a puppy. And so, after much looking and disappointment over missed opportunities… my parents drove me in a wicked snowstorm to pick up my little Oliver.

He was a total hell raiser. A furry little piranha. But he brought so much love and happiness to my life. There was just something about him… his adorable personality… he loved to make people happy… his fear of getting his paws wet in the rain (many times I carried all 35lbs of him down the sidewalk on a rainy day). It was just me and Oliver in our little old apartment in Forest Hill.

When I finally became pregnant with little Isabel, I remember thinking “How on earth am I ever going to love anything as much as I love this dang dog?!” He just meant the world to me. I’m sure I annoyed all my old co-workers with how much I talked about him, but he really was just such a weird and wacky character.

The stupidest things are hitting me so hard right now. I had to pick up a few groceries today and I went to grab paper towel… we usually go through a lot because of Oliver’s toilet troubles…but then I remembered that won’t be an issue any more and I nearly bawled in the middle of Walmart. I had to pick up cat food, and the chews that he liked were there… the hostas in my backyard that he loved to rip up (despite my constant scolding!).

It all just hurts so bad.

I’ve been through enough in my life to know that as distance grows between his passing, the pain will start to dull. I will always miss him. I will always be so grateful for him. Now I have to figure out how to keep going without him.